


all i want (is everything)

by 1to10



Category: Red Velvet (K-pop Band)
Genre: F/F, Soccer AU, but like pro soccer, side wenseul, this mainly centers around joyrene and ot5 but a fair amount of other idol girls show up too!!
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-20
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-07 01:33:53
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,030
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26008828
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/1to10/pseuds/1to10
Summary: Everyone says this year might be their year. And Joohyun just might believe it too.(joohyun is the team captain and it's getting harder and harder to ignore sooyoung)
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Park Sooyoung | Joy
Comments: 13
Kudos: 51





	1. heavy the water as i sink below

It almost feels like a relief to lace up her boots with purpose again. Even if it was just for practice.

Joohyun had always known this was what she was meant to do. To be in this sport, playing the game that had fascinated her ever since she had been old enough to understand what sports were.

The past off-season had felt somehow longer than it really had been. Coming off of the humiliation of the season before had somehow made everything around her slow down. She was with her thoughts 24/7, constantly thinking of the things that could’ve been different.

But there was no time for that, because to her the preseason really was just an extended (although very important) training session. It was a way for new signings to integrate into the team and to start assessing their fitness levels. They’d even play a few meaningless games with other teams, which would definitely help team bonding.

She’d make sure every moment mattered, that they all knew there was something to play for this season more than any other season. 

“Long summer, Joohyun?”

She gives their manager, Taeyeon, a wry smile.

“Longer than expected. It feels good to be back.”

Taeyeon snorts. “Tell me about it. I feel like every single day has just been me going over notes and game footage. It’ll be nice to apply it to something.”

She hums in response, going over one of her many mental checklists. The rest of the team had yet to arrive but would probably show up any minute. Taeyeon would start with her usual preseason speech, maybe throw in a motivational phrase or two. It would be more of the same she was used to.

Joohyun had worked with Taeyeon a long time. She had been with the club about as long as she could kick a ball, and Taeyeon had worked her way through the club ranks even though she hadn’t played much herself.

“Joohyun! I knew you’d be the first person here.”

Seungwan is grinning at her, arms linked with Seulgi. God, now those two were inseparable. They had been dating off and on for as long as anyone could remember, the off part mostly being when Seungwan had been on loan.

“I am the captain, no? I’m here to set an example, which you two surprisingly do follow...most of the time.”

Seulgi and Seungwan have the decency to look a bit embarrassed. Seungwan was the vice captain, but she and Seulgi did have the habit of joining some of the more mischievous players in their antics if persuaded.

Of course, Joohyun wasn’t completely opposed to them having fun. It just meant she had to be even more alert when Seungwan had vice captain mode turned off.

“So, have you seen Sooyoung yet?” Seulgi asks it so casually, almost as if there wasn’t a motive behind finding out the answer.

She laughs dryly. “You’re kidding. I haven’t talked to her all summer and she didn’t really come over either. I’ve probably seen her just as much as you guys did, as in through the news.”

Joohyun doesn’t miss the glance that Seulgi and Seungwan share. Has a couple ever annoyed her more? She’d have to think about that one.

“Oh. Hm...weird.” Seungwan clears her throat. “Anyway, look who just walked in.”

And there she was, in all her glory. Park Sooyoung. Their best striker, and one of the best in the country right now. But of course her partner in crime Kim Yerim was following closely behind her. Joohyun couldn’t imagine a day where those two weren’t causing her headaches together.

Seulgi and Seungwan get up to greet the two and Joohyun feels a little relieved at the sight. Sure, when those four specifically were together it was a lot of (mostly fun) bickering and Joohyun would more often than not have to get after them. But she’d be lying if she said that seeing them together didn’t feel good. Because it did. 

They were all special talents, and good people to boot. They were the backbone of this team, a team that deserved to have their names in the history books. She’d be damned if she didn’t make it mean something this year.

The others eventually start showing up one by one. Some familiar faces, some new. She couldn't know anything for certain, but she had a good feeling about this group.

\---

Everyone says this year might be their year. And Joohyun just might believe it too.

Last season had been a lot of almosts. Almost scoring that last goal, almost keeping the ball out of the net in crucial games, almost coming away with enough points to win everything. But almost isn’t anything, not to Joohyun.

When they had walked away empty handed, it was her who felt it the most. She had to. Because her own disappointment wasn’t enough, she felt everything that the whole team felt. That’s what being a captain was about. She took on their feelings whether she liked it or not, she just had to figure out how to manage them and turn it into a desire for something more.

She hadn’t let the blow of last season deter her. She had worked harder, trained longer, and let her ambition grow even more.

Because this might be their year. It had to be.

But currently the only thing on her mind was the dull ache of her muscles and how nothing seemed to be more enticing than a hot shower.

“Kim Yerim! Stop harassing Sooyoung and take a lap!”

Yerim looks up at Joohyun from where she’s standing with Sooyoung, teasing her about something where nobody else can hear. As soon as she realizes she’s being punished, she lets out an overexaggerated groan.

“She started it! Why doesn’t she have to run a lap too after we’ve done nothing but practice all day?”

Joohyun just rolls her eyes, not offering an answer in reply while she completes her cooldown stretches. Yerim will end up doing it even if she doesn’t want to, because her respect for her captain almost always wins out over her annoyance.

She hears snickering behind her that undoubtedly belongs to Seungwan or Seulgi and doesn’t even acknowledge it. She’s well aware of what her friends say about her and Sooyoung, but it absolutely isn’t true. Joohyun most definitely doesn’t have a soft spot for her. Nope. Not a chance.

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees a smirking Sooyoung stroll up and she fights the urge to roll her eyes again. The girl just oozed cockiness, but it was part of her charm. But who could blame someone that talented? 

Sooyoung eyes her, but doesn’t say anything. Instead choosing to sit next to her wordlessly and begin stretching as well. Joohyun couldn’t be bothered to ask why, so she’d just enjoy it.

“So...can I come over tonight?” She should’ve known the silence never really lasted that long with Sooyoung.

“For what?”

Sooyoung scoffs. “To hang out? We haven’t in a while so I thought we could, you know, watch a movie or something.”

It had been a while since she had been over, to be fair. The two used to spend a lot more time together until the summer happened, then it was like Sooyoung had just found someone new to occupy her time. She didn’t call, didn’t message. Joohyun had tried not wondering if she had done something to cause the rift.

“I suppose so.” Joohyun tries not to notice the grin that spreads across Sooyoung’s face, or how it makes her feel just a little something more than it used to.

“Great! I’ll be there around 8. And I’m definitely picking the movie because we aren’t watching romcoms.”

Joohyun can’t explain why her face heats up, but she prays Sooyoung doesn’t notice. Either way, if she did she fails to mention anything.

Wherever Yerim is in her run, she knows she’s definitely getting a laugh out of this somehow.

\---

“So...you and Sooyoung?”

Joohyun’s head snaps up, giving an instant death glare to whoever was standing above her and dying to aggravate her. Seulgi. So, maybe not aggravate. On purpose at least.

“What are you talking about?”

Seulgi blinks. “Oh. You don’t know?”

She feels her body go tense, completely unfocused on undoing her boots now. “Again, what are you talking about?”

Seulgi moves some of Joohyun’s things out of her way on the locker room bench, making just enough space for her to sit next to her.

“Maybe it’s because people don’t want to disrespect you, or they don’t wanna spread unconfirmed gossip but...there’s been rumors. I don’t know where they came from, I just know what’s being said.”

Seulgi takes a pause, maybe waiting for Joohyun to interject and stop the conversation from going in a direction she wouldn’t want it to. But Joohyun can’t bring herself to, because now she needs to know.

“There’s been talk that, well, maybe not really that you guys are dating or anything like that. But that she has a thing for you. Or used to.”

Joohyun’s mouth flaps open, and actually hearing someone say it feels like a total system shock.

“Seulgi, you know that’s absolutely ridiculous. It’s not like she’s over at my apartment all the time or anything like that. You know I barely saw her all summer.”

Seulgi waves her hands in front of her face frantically, attempting to deflect any of her captain’s irritation. “I’m not saying it was true! But I had to ask because of what happened with her this summer.”

Oh. Right. This summer. As in when Sooyoung was being reported everywhere as the next big star to make a blockbuster summer move to a fancy club with bigger wages and near guaranteed trophies every season. Until she didn’t. With no explanation, or reasoning behind it. Just Sooyoung shrugging it off and leaving it at that.

“I’m not really following, I guess? What does that have to do with me? Or me and her?”

Seulgi inhales deeply, seeming to prepare herself for whatever was to come next in the conversation.

“Everyone was saying that she stayed for you. That the deal fell through because she didn’t want to leave you behind.”

Joohyun feels like the wind is knocked out of her. Because that can’t be true. It can’t be because Sooyoung isn’t that stupid. She wouldn’t give up something that matters so much for...her.

“Joohyun? Are you okay?”

Okay, she would have to deal with this. Because she couldn’t let people keep spreading this. Not when Sooyoung’s reputation was on the line in what was obviously a gigantic lie.

“Whoever you heard that from, tell them it’s not true. Of course it’s not true. If I hear anyone in the team talking about it or spreading something like that, it’ll be dealt with. Understood?”

Concern briefly flashes across Seulgi’s features before she gives a slow nod. When Seulgi manages to clear out, Joohyun is finally the last one left in the locker room. She usually is anyway, making sure things are cleaned up and everyone else has gotten to where they need to be.

But she’s in no rush today to leave. Not with the way her head was rushing, filled with all kinds of things she had never considered before. 

Not that it mattered, because there wasn’t a single grain of truth to it. Sooyoung definitely didn’t have feelings for her, she definitely didn’t turn down a once in a lifetime opportunity to stay with her, and Joohyun definitely didn’t feel any type of way about it.

\---

“Are you actually enjoying this?”

Sooyoung glances over while chewing contentedly on her microwave popped popcorn.

“Yeah, kind of. It’s entertaining in it’s own way.”

Joohyun scrunches up her nose. Sooyoung had picked some ridiculous action movie and it had been nonstop car chases and shooting at people. What about this was better than a sweet romantic comedy? Joohyun would probably never know.

She gets another glance from Sooyoung, who had seated herself on the opposite side of the couch.

“Is it really that bad for you? We can change it if you hate it that much. I don’t want you to be completely miserable.”

Sooyoung sets the popcorn bowl down, getting up to search for wherever she had tossed the remote after trying to keep it out of Joohyun’s reach earlier.

Joohyun watches how Sooyoung easily navigates her living room, almost as if she had belonged there. They may not have hung out in a while, but falling back into the friendship she had with Sooyoung was easier than anything. Like they hadn’t missed a day.

A sound of excitement comes from Sooyoung when she finds it stuck behind the couch. She plops back down onto the couch, exiting out of the movie.

“What do you want to watch? I promise I’ll be nice this time, even if it looks bad just bad on the cover art.”

Joohyun pulls her bottom lip between her teeth, chewing it thoughtfully. “Do you think we could just talk instead?”

Sooyoung stares at her, clearly confused. “I mean, yeah, totally. Is everything okay?”

“I just…,” she gestures vaguely. “I wanted to know how your summer was, I guess.”

The other girl is squinting at her now, trying to make sense of what direction Joohyun could possibly be going with this.

“How my summer was?”

A huff. “Yes, how your summer was. I didn’t really see you at all. And I thought you would…”

At Joohyun’s trail off and her implication, Sooyoung looks away. But why? Sure they were friends, always had been. But players choosing to sign to different teams wasn’t anything weird or a betrayal of some sort, especially if it wasn’t a rival team. Joohyun wouldn’t have resented her or anything like that.

“This summer was weird for me, which I’m sure you know thanks to your friendly local news station. But sometimes things just don’t work out. That’s all.”

There was a strange heaviness to her words that surprised Joohyun.

“Did you want to stay? Because I know there’s a lot of factors to a transfer, especially one so massive for someone like you. If you felt bad about having to stay, I’d understand. That’s just business.”

Sooyoung looks back at her, face more serious than Joohyun has ever seen it before. “Of course I did.”

She doesn’t offer anything else, so they sit there in silence. Joohyun can’t help but feel she messed something up, or pissed Sooyoung off for some reason. It wasn’t her fault because how was she supposed to know this would be a sensitive topic?

“Are we okay?” Joohyun really isn’t someone to just blurt things out like that, especially something that sounded so needy. But this wasn’t an average conversation. She didn’t know anything about why Sooyoung didn’t leave, or even why she just fell out of Joohyun’s orbit all summer long.

Some of the tension seems to leave Sooyoung’s body, and the look she gives Joohyun is...sad? Something Joohyun can’t really decipher right now.

“We are. We absolutely are. I’m sorry.” Sooyoung doesn’t have to say what the apology is for. Partially for turning the conversation into a huge bummer and being weird about it. Partially for neglecting their friendship.

Joohyun shakes her head. “It’s okay. I just...missed you. And our friendship. Things weren’t the same without you constantly dropping by like you lived here or something.”

Sooyoung snorts. “Right. I’m supposed to believe you missed that when I’d get yelled at for showing up at random times of the night.”

“Anyone would yell at anyone for showing up at their apartment when it’s 3am!”

Joohyun has a scowl on her face but it falls away quickly. Finally it’s comfortable enough for them to both burst into laughter. It feels lighter than it did before, a little like how things were last season.

Her eyes follow Sooyoung as the younger girl slides from the other end of the couch to cuddle up next to Joohyun. 

Nothing weird about this at all. Nope. Sooyoung was a very touchy person with her friends, and they used to cuddle all the time whenever she’d come over. This was totally fine. Not a single strange thing about it.

Sooyoung sighs contentedly as she leans into Joohyun, finding a comfortable spot for her head to rest on her shoulder after she picks a new movie for them to watch. Joohyun is glad she can’t see just how brightly red her face has turned in the dark.

Yeah, this was going to be a problem.

\---

“Why didn’t Sooyoung leave?”

Taeyeon peers up from her notebook with a raised brow. “Well good morning to you too.”

“Sorry, good morning. So why didn’t Sooyoung leave when she was all but guaranteed to?”

“Uh,” she stops scribbling down notes, setting her pen to the side. “Isn’t that something you should ask her if you want to know? You’re her captain after all.”

Joohyun drops down into the chair in front of Taeyeon’s desk with a huff. “I did ask her! And she wouldn’t tell me.”

“Well, if she didn’t say then maybe there’s a reason for that.” Taeyeon lets out a small sigh while rubbing her temples. “Listen, if you guys are having some kind of falling out it really isn’t my place to wade into your drama unless it’s affecting team chemistry. Maybe I do know, maybe I don’t but it’s not really the point. You need to settle this before it turns into something else.”

She wasn’t exactly wrong. It was probably a stupid move to try to ask their manager, but she didn’t know how else to go about it without alerting the others into thinking something was going on considering they already did think something was going on between the two of them.

Asking Sooyoung once had already made things weird, and things between them were just starting to get back on track. She also really didn’t want to risk anything when a new season was just around the corner.

Taeyeon eventually shoos her out of her office and into the hallway, mumbling something about her dramatics when it comes to Sooyoung. She doesn’t have a chance to march back in and ask her what that means when she finds Sooyoung, standing directly in front of her.

“Uh, hi?”

Sooyoung scratches her head. “Hi. Everything okay? You were super spaced out there for a minute.”

Super spaced out because she was thinking of Sooyoung, to be specific. “Yep. Totally fine. I definitely have to get going though. Because of...errands. Errands I have to run. Right.”

There aren’t a lot of times where you’d be able to say Bae Joohyun literally could not stop speaking to save her life, so this might be the first.

The younger girl stares at her, puzzled by the rush of words and lack of clarity. 

“Well...okay. See you later I guess?”

Joohyun hums in reply while Sooyoung heads off to whatever it was she was doing before she bumped into Joohyun.

The missed opportunity of the conversation doesn’t escape her. But there’s nothing she can do about it now, and it probably wouldn’t have gone terribly well if she had been collected enough to actually speak a full sentence. 

This would at least give her time to think about it and then come back to it when she was ready. If there was ever a way to be ready for this kind of thing.

\---

It felt like this was the hundredth time she was grabbing her phone from her nightstand to check both the time and her messages. Even though she had a clock, and her ringer was all the way up so she’d hear whatever message she got almost immediately.

Sleep usually came fairly easy to her, but not tonight. Not recently in general.

God she couldn’t even pretend it was for any reason other than Sooyoung. Sooyoung who now took up almost all the leftover space in her brain. Sooyoung who before seemed like any other friend or teammate to her. Sooyoung who came out of nowhere, apparently.

But what did any of this mean for them if it was true? There wasn’t any kind of confirmation, because Sooyoung surely wouldn’t say anything to her about it even if it was true.

It’s not like she could even entertain the thought of them dating. How silly and pointless.

Her mind is almost tempted to wander even further before she hears the buzz of her apartment bell. She checks the clock once more. 3:12am.

She pulls on a sweater, mind racing at the rather large possibility of Sooyoung being behind the door. But why? This had been an old habit of hers, something she was used to Sooyoung doing. So she shouldn’t be feeling nervous in any way. Not with her.

After flicking the living room light on, she buzzes Sooyoung up and unlocks the door for her. She waits patiently as she always does for Sooyoung. 

When she finally gets through the door, there’s something off about her. The way she looks at Joohyun isn’t the same. She’s bundled up in a fleece coat and sweatpants, looking beyond tired.

“Sooyoung? Is everything okay?”

Sooyoung nods, giving her an empty smile. “Not even gonna yell at me for showing up like this in the middle of the night completely unannounced?”

Joohyun frowns, stepping into Sooyoung’s space. She brushes some of the hair away from Sooyoung’s face, making sure she isn’t hurt or anything. 

“You aren’t hurt. Did something happen?”

She shakes her head, not seeming very willing to let Joohyun leave her space.

“Nothing happened...I just wanted to see you. Can I stay?”

Where is all this raw emotion coming from? Joohyun is dumbfounded. There was something about Sooyoung's tone that made her stomach flip.

“You’re always welcome to stay. You know that.” Against her better judgement, she finds herself even closer now. Sooyoung’s direct stare almost feels like it’s weighing down on her so she pulls Sooyoung into her, burying her face into her coat.

She locks her arms around Sooyoung’s back and she hears a content sigh emit from her. It had been a long time since they had done something like this, no strangers to physical affection. Especially if it was just the two of them.

Sooyoung pulls back first, carefully studying Joohyun. She gives her a smile that seems less painful this time.

“I brought some of my stuff with me so I’m gonna go brush my teeth. The couch will be fine.”

Joohyun doesn’t get a chance to say anything else before Sooyoung trots off to her bathroom.

She’s quick to think of Sooyoung’s absence, how it felt to have her close and pressed against her. It’s never felt like that before when they part, or at least she hasn’t noticed it. Have her hugs always been this warm? Has she always looked at Joohyun that thoughtfully?

The realization that’s been creeping up on her hits her like a freight train. She realizes Sooyoung isn’t the only issue here, and that she’s in a lot more trouble than she ever thought possible. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> heeeeeey yall i'm back. just something that helped me get back into the writing groove while i finish my commissions. a playlist and collage to follow shortly
> 
> song for this chapter is livewire by oh wonder


	2. i thought it would be easier than this

No matter what she seems to do, Joohyun can’t shake these thoughts of Sooyoung.

The morning after Sooyoung had stayed over, she had left early and left a note behind letting her know she was getting in some early solo practice. It was almost relieving to have some breathing room, because her thoughts were going a million miles per hour.

Truthfully, she had never thought of Sooyoung in a romantic way before. Sure, she was stunning. And sure, she was also one of the most kind and generous people Joohyun had ever met beneath her cocky exterior. But nothing beyond a friendship had even crossed her mind before Seulgi brought up those rumors.

But now the thought was planted in her head and it wasn’t leaving. Joohyun couldn’t stop thinking about all the little moments they had shared before that had seemingly had no meaning behind them but now meant so much more.

So yes, she has...some sort of feelings for her. She wasn’t sure how to label it exactly, but they were there. She might as well be an adult and just accept that without prolonging some kind of serious denial.

The realization of her feelings aside, this didn’t even touch the original problem. Sooyoung possibly having feelings for her was. It was probably the idea of that which Seulgi had put in her head that had kicked off her own realization, but that didn’t make it true.

Maybe it was true. It wasn’t entirely out of the realm of possibility. Sooyoung liked girls, very much so. So much to the point where Joohyun could recall her revolving door of girlfriends from the not so recent past. She wasn’t a player in the sense most people thought of, but it just seemed like things never worked out for her and whatever gorgeous girl she had on her arm every few months. Sooyoung would always shrug it off and tell them that shit happened.

But that brought up another point. If Sooyoung did like her since at least this past summer, why wouldn’t she just say something to Joohyun? She certainly wasn’t lacking in the confidence department, and even if she thought she would get rejected it’s not like Joohyun would be the type of person to be mean or insensitive about letting her down.

Nothing really made sense about any of this, and she wasn’t going to come to a conclusion on her own anytime soon. It felt like there would be no answer to this for Joohyun unless she asked Sooyoung herself. Or at least if she had heard it from someone who had specifically heard it from Sooyoung herself. 

Joohyun decides fairly quickly that at this point she can’t let anyone know how she feels, especially considering she barely understood it herself. Which would be hard to do if she wanted to pry some answers out of people, but it could be done if she was subtle enough about it.

Hayoung and Yerin were probably the people on the team closest to Sooyoung, but even if they knew something they’d never let it slip. So her safest bet was most likely Seungwan, Seulgi, or Yerim.

Seungwan was hard to crack, but occasionally let things slip when not meaning to. Seulgi was about the same. Yerim on the other hand couldn’t keep a secret to save her life. If she knew anything, that’s where Joohyun would have to start.

\---

“How would you guys feel about hanging out today? Just the four of us.”

Yerim continues typing on her phone, not even glancing up. It was what she always did when Taeyeon left the team alone to watch game footage, saying she didn’t need to watch the mistakes she had already learned from. Seulgi and Seungwan however grin excitedly.

“We’d love to! Seulgi was actually just talking about hanging out again, a little girl’s night out for a few of us before the real hard work starts.”

She knew she could count on Seungwan to bring some enthusiasm to the table when she desperately needed it.

Seulgi’s eyebrows furrow as she looks between the small little group. “Just the four of us? What about Soo-” Her sentence is cut short when Seungwan gently elbows her. Yerim’s head shoots up from her phone, staring at Seulgi as if she just brought up the most sensitive topic in the world.

The girl quickly realizes her mistake, eyes widening before quickly shaking her head. “The four of us sounds good, I mean. What did you have in mind?”

“I thought maybe we could just go out for drinks? Nothing over the top, because I’m not dealing with any of you ending up in tomorrow’s headlines for being so drunk you could barely stand.”

Yerim shoots Joohyun a glare. “It was one time on my birthday! I didn’t even do anything bad!”

The other two giggle at her while Joohyun continues. “I just wanted to have a little outside of work bonding time. I think it’d be good for us.”

Seulgi hums and nods in response. “I think I could use a little bit of a drink. It’ll feel like old times, maybe.”

They find themselves at a local bar. Nothing fancy, but nothing too dingy either. They occasionally get recognized by fans and asked for pictures, but they never get mobbed. Which if you asked Yerim was a bummer because she was always down to meet her female fans.

Joohyun had promised herself she’d be subtle, and typically she’d have no problem sticking to that. But with the encouragement of the other three, she quickly finds herself a few drinks in.

“Sooo, how’s dating going?”

Lost in their own little relationship bubble, Seulgi and Seungwan are laughing to themselves. Clearly sharing some kind of inside joke. It was impossible to deny she wanted a relationship like theirs. Best friends before lovers, it seemed like they were always in sync. It wasn’t often two people so clearly meant to be together, got their timing right. She wondered if she’d ever have anything like that for herself.

Seulgi is the first one to look up, her reactions delayed by whatever she had been drinking. “Dating?”

“Mhm. I mostly meant Yerim, because we all know how disgustingly happy you two are.” She says it in a fake disgusted tone, prompting more laughs out of the couple.

“Of course we are. Right babe?” Seungwan grins, giving Seulgi a quick peck before her girlfriend beams back at her.

The youngest among them takes the time to loudly fake gag, which Joohyun stifles a giggle at.

“Can you two get a room? Please? Preferably in your own home?”

Seungwan rolls her eyes with a smile and dismissively waves her hand at Yerim. “Don’t be jealous. Yerim here is on girl number three of the month.”

Yerim scoffs. “I’m not jealous. I’m enjoying my freedom with...a few different options! It’s called having youth and beauty, not that you two would know anything about the youth part.”

“We’re barely older than you!” Seungwan snorts, throwing her balled up napkin at Yerim’s head. “And enjoying your freedom? Now that sounds like something straight out of the Park Sooyoung playbook.”

It’s only about two seconds after where Seungwan realizes it was her who made the slip this time. The other two stare at her incredulously. These girls really were terrible at keeping anything hidden.

Simple enough, Joohyun could keep going with this. That sentence itself wasn’t all that revealing, but she knew there had to be a reason the topic of Sooyoung was becoming a more sensitive subject among them with each passing day.

“Right, Sooyoung. Is she seeing anybody by the way?”

The three turn to look at her curiously, as if they had expected an entirely different reaction. Or for her to just ignore it entirely and try to move on. Or maybe they just had been surprised by the boldness, regardless of what direction Joohyun had chosen to take the conversation in.

“She’s not, actually. She hasn’t dated since early this past summer.” Seulgi says, with maybe a hint of hopefulness in her voice. The other two look away from Joohyun now and take another drink, realizing they had just been way too obvious.

“Oh. That’s…,” she hesitates for a moment to answer. What did she want to say here? That it was good? That it felt better to know Sooyoung wasn’t with anyone else when she was the type of girl who could have literally anyone she wanted?

“It’s a good thing,” Seungwan pipes up, trying to ease the sudden shift in tone. “She spent too much time with girls who were never going to work out. I hope she finds someone she can settle down with, because she deserves that.”

Yerim and Seulgi murmur in agreement, both still not looking back over at Joohyun.

If Joohyun didn’t know these girls any better, she’d maybe be able to write this off as them being awkward drunks who just didn’t know how to talk about semi awkward topics. But this wasn’t that, and it had been right in front of her face.

\---

The more the pieces fit together, the worse Joohyun was starting to feel.

When she had just started to realize her feelings and Sooyoung having feelings for her wasn’t something she was sure of, it felt distant and easy to keep at arm's length. But with more time passing and more things adding up, it was starting to become more real.

Joohyun wouldn’t stop herself from having feelings. They were something you couldn’t control, and denying them to yourself was a dangerous game. But acting on them was another thing entirely.

She was the captain of the team, someone who had to keep everything together. She was the one they all looked to for guidance. All of that and the fact that this year could be like a year they had never experienced before. They could win it all, and Joohyun couldn’t sacrifice that by being selfish.

Letting her feelings grow out of control was also something she just couldn’t do. She’d have to keep her distance for now and hopefully Sooyoung wouldn’t be too hurt. Nothing about their professional relationship would change, but their off the field relationship had to be different now.

There were only a few weeks until the official season now, and when that started it would be easier for everyone to focus on matches and preparation and not whatever personal things were going on. She just hoped Sooyoung wouldn’t notice.

\---

“What are you doing tonight?”

Joohyun nearly jumps, not realizing that Sooyoung had sat herself down next to her on the bench. She exhales deeply when she looks over, and has to calm the quick increase of her heartbeat.

“I’ve got plans tonight.” Total lie, but it was the first step in her plan to distance herself from the other girl.

Sooyoung can’t hide her shock. “Plans? You have plans? Doing what?”

She should probably be offended but Sooyoung wasn’t wrong to be surprised at her fake plans. There really wasn’t anyone she hung out with outside of her family or the team.

“Yes, I have plans. Nothing important.”

The younger girl becomes uncharacteristically quiet. Joohyun has to look over just to make sure she’s still sitting there.

“Are you going on a date?”

Joohyun stills, not sure she heard the words correctly. A flag goes up in her head when she realizes a date was the first conclusion she jumped to before anything else.

“No, I’m not going on a date. I’m not dating anybody.” The last part comes out before she can stop herself, not sure why she needed to add the last part at all. She was distancing herself, and was not supposed to be giving Sooyoung hope of any kind. Or maybe she just owed her a little bit of truth to ease her own guilt.

“Oh...well, good. Nobody is good enough for our captain. I’d obviously have to approve of them before the first date even took place.”

For anyone else, it’d be easy to miss Sooyoung’s forced transition into a lighter tone. But Joohyun doesn’t, she never does.

The drive home feels longer that day, which is what tends to happen when Joohyun is alone with her thoughts.

She slipped up today. She should’ve just told Sooyoung that she was dating someone, and that would’ve been the end of it. Sooyoung would’ve thought she was spoken for, she’d move on, and then Joohyun would too eventually.

So why couldn’t she just commit to the lie? Follow all the way through with it? Was the tiny glimmer of hope she gave her for Sooyoung, or was it for herself?

Whatever it was, she couldn’t deny Sooyoung’s probable feelings anymore. She only wished she could have been a bit more oblivious, because maybe if she hadn’t picked up on it she wouldn’t be at her current state of internal conflict. 

She hadn’t picked up on it before Seulgi had mentioned it, though. So a tiny part of her wanted to blame her for it, but she knew she couldn’t. Seulgi was nothing but good-natured, and meant absolutely no harm bringing that rumor to her. There wasn’t really anybody to blame right now besides herself, for a lot of reasons.

Now she’d have to dial things up and really distance them. There wasn’t any room to keep taking chances. It would hurt to go back to the state of their relationship as it was in the summer, not really talking. Sooyoung had always been a part of her life ever since she entered it, and nothing about this would be easy.

After a very long and very hot shower and some freshly dried clothes, she manages to put herself in bed. She wraps her comforter around herself, feeling a little better as the chill of the air conditioning fills her apartment.

It would start tomorrow. It has to. Because if it didn’t then she’d never have the guts to keep Sooyoung truly at a distance. Nothing about this felt right but at the end of the day, it was the right thing to do. She’d keep telling herself that until she fully believed it.

\---

It starts with more rejected hangouts.

Sooyoung is always casual about it, doing her best to hide her disappointment. She never frowns, or whines. Always puts on a smile and tells her they’ll figure out something for another night, and that it’s all totally fine.

It continues with the texts left on read.

Sooyoung isn’t much of a texter anyway. She never tries to hold long or meaningful conversations over texts unless she’s drunk, or feeling particularly thoughtful. So when Joohyun doesn’t answer her “what’s up” or “hang soon?” texts, Sooyoung doesn’t keep messaging her. Not being able to feel her palpable disappointment makes it easier. Even by just a little bit.

Over the next few weeks the offers and questions slow down. Now when she looks over at Sooyoung she doesn’t catch her staring any longer. Maybe her feelings weren’t that serious if she was able to get over it that quickly. Which is exactly what Joohyun wanted anyway. Right.

She doesn’t feel bad about it for long though, because it doesn’t take long to notice the positive side effects of it all. Sooyoung seems more focused in training, more driven. There was never a time where Sooyoung wasn’t a hard worker, but something was a bit different now. Joohyun doesn’t want to give herself credit for this change though, but it was hard not to link the two events together.

The season is ready to start in a few days and Joohyun thinks this couldn’t have gone any better. Sooyoung is undoubtedly going to become the best striker in the league, if she wasn’t already, and there were no feelings in the way anymore. 

Everything really was perfect. Until it wasn’t.

Things had felt like they were going so well on game day. First match of the season, and everyone seemed excited for their fresh start. All of them had a different kind of determination in their eyes, including Sooyoung. 

Walking out onto the field again, seeing their home crowd, hearing their rival supporters. It all feels right. Like the stars are aligning for them to be something more.

She felt like she was ready to be at her best again. She was this team’s captain and she wouldn’t let any of them down this time around.

So everything was perfect, until it wasn’t.

Joohyun doesn’t know how they end up there. Mina is able to make a stunning long pass to Yerin who chips the keeper and it feels like things can only go uphill from there. It takes a blow when Seungwan is beaten at the near post, a mistake she’s usually good at avoiding.

They’re deadlocked 1-1 until about 85 minutes in the game when the opposing team is a little too close to Sooyoung’s ankle on a tackle and they get a penalty.

Everyone knows Sooyoung can put this away. Easy. She’s done it what feels like a billion times before, and is undoubtedly one of the best penalty takers in the league.

The anxious buildup of excitement for a game winning goal turns to dread when Sooyoung skies it. It feels like slow motion watching the look of horror on Sooyoung’s face and the disappointed body language of everyone else on the team.

When the whistle blows, the 1-1 draw has remained. Two possible points lost at home during their season opener. It isn’t the worst possible outcome, but all things considered it feels like a slap in the face.

The locker room after the game is unusually quiet. She knows they can bounce back from this, but it’s a blow to their egos early on. 

She lets Taeyeon take over, already talking about the things they’d change next practice and how this wasn’t good enough. It wasn’t angry enough to hurt anyone’s feelings, but she knew Seungwan would be overthinking that goal she let in at least until the next match.

When they’ve all emptied out, she finally takes a moment to let herself relax. Watching Sooyoung’s big mess had been like watching a trainwreck in slow motion. Maybe it was overdramatic, but seeing Sooyoung know she screwed up hurt her too.

Joohyun leans her head back against her locking, closing her eyes as she does it. But there’s the distant sound of footsteps and the second she realizes she jolts up out of her seat.

She quickly turns around and pretends to be packing up her stuff when she hears whoever it is finally make it to the locker room. Behind her, she hears the dull thud of a bag hitting the floor.

“You’ve been avoiding me.”

Sooyoung. Of course. The worst possible scenario for her at the moment. She should’ve known the younger woman wouldn’t have just let things go, and that she had most likely just pushed it aside for the moment to focus on the game. She was also probably even more frustrated now after the results of the game.

There’s no time to think of a really good excuse, because she failed to consider this possible confrontation. She’d simply have to talk her way out of it.

She slowly turns around, a curious look on her face.

“Why do you think that?”

Sooyoung’s face quickly goes from normal frustrated to very frustrated. Joohyun didn’t feel so good about this all of a sudden.

“I’m not stupid. You’ve been ignoring my texts, which you never used to. You shoot me down every time I want to hang out. You don’t make any effort to talk to me at all outside of the team.”

She isn’t stupid, and Joohyun is instantly regretful of her approach.

“I don’t get it. I know we were distant for a bit, but I’ve been trying. Did I do something to make you mad at me?”

“No! I’m not mad.” It’s rushed out quickly, because that’s the absolute truth. Mad isn’t the word she’d use to describe it. Confused, probably. Conflicted, definitely.

Sooyoung just stares at her, expression unreadable. She did this a lot lately. And Joohyun hated it.

“I thought about you all summer,” she blurts out. “When we weren’t talking, all I wanted to do was talk to you. The entire time we were apart all I wanted to do was show up at your apartment.”

Joohyun’s stomach is suddenly in knots. She doesn’t like the direction this is heading. Her silence is the sign Sooyoung takes to continue.

“It was childish, but I thought that you’d text me or call me one day. That you missed me like I missed you and you’d show up on my doorstep, but you never did.”

“Sooyoung…”

The girl turns her head away from Joohyun, jaw clenched. “I was trying not to be selfish. I wanted to leave you out of everything and not involve you in how I felt and just leave and then when I left you’d be happy here and we’d be on good terms. But then it fell through, because I couldn’t leave. Not without you. I was selfish. Because when I saw you on the first day of preseason, I couldn’t not be part of your life.”

Somehow Joohyun finds herself completely unable to speak, even though there’s so much she should be saying right now. So much that she _wants_ to say. How stupid she must look not being able to say anything of substance.

Sooyoung’s head turns back, watching Joohyun carefully. “It took me awhile to realize what it all meant. To want to be close to you all the time, to always wonder what you were doing and who you were with.”

“Sooyoung, please don’t.”

“No, I have to. Because if I don’t now, then I never will.” She shakes her head. “I know you noticed that things were different. When I was flirting with you, I meant it. I stopped seeing other girls when I realized it too. Because I’m serious about all this and I always felt there was maybe this small chance that you felt the same way too.”

In any other world, this might’ve been the best moment of Joohyun’s life. Beautiful girl wanting to give her everything, willing to change parts of herself, being vulnerable with her. Any other set of circumstances and she might’ve been willing to throw it all away for her. But this wasn’t their life. Joohyun had a responsibility to not only herself, but the rest of them. And that included the girl in front of her.

“I don’t feel the same way you do.”

Hearing it come out of her own mouth makes her head hurt. Sooyoung blinks a few times, straight faced. She probably expected this to go an entirely different way. Joohyun wishes it could’ve been whatever she had hoped for.

But she knows Sooyoung. Knows how determined she would be to try and prove herself to be a worthy partner, even though she already was one. She’d pull out all the stops and turn up her charm to a ridiculous level. So she needed to make this stick, even if Sooyoung hated her for it now.

“I don’t feel that way, and I’ve never thought about you like that. Me not approaching you this summer was because we were barely friends and I didn’t know how to talk to you. I’m sorry if you thought any differently. I don’t think that’ll ever change for me.”

It takes a few seconds for her to realize the weight of her words. Because this was it. She had made it clear there was no hope now, there was never any hope to begin with, and there never would be. It was the right thing to do, so why did this entire conversation feel so awful?

Sooyoung’s face doesn’t change as she takes the words in, brain probably going through each word of it again and again. After a few seconds, she whips around.

“Understood,” is all she says with a hoarse voice. She picks up her bag and wastes no time exiting.

Part of her wants to chase after her and tell her it was all her being stupid. But she can’t. She can’t even try to comfort her about it because she needs Sooyoung to let go of this, and she also doesn’t want to risk deepening her own feelings.

This turned out to be nothing short of a disaster, but eventually Sooyoung would get over it and find someone more suitable for her and they could all focus on the team. Joohyun would get over it eventually, too. She’d just need some time alone. Everything would be fine.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this one is actually gonna be a fair bit shorter than sorority au (which is the only multichapter i have to compare it to rn) but i promise there will be some good angst and development, ofc
> 
> song for this chapter is soaked through by sara

**Author's Note:**

> find me on twitter at @1to10writes


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